What do you do when your menstrual cycle hits, you have to be at work and you are writhing in pain? I almost wore a skirt to work today, even though it’s raining so I wouldn’t have to feel the clothe against my bloated and swollen skin. Last night I took my boyfriend’s head, snapped it off, then curled up into a little ball before crying myself to sleep. Now that’s real pain.

I thought about calling in sick this morning, staying home and nursing my wounded uterus back to proper health but decided against it, only because what, am I gonna call in sick every month? This doesn’t happen just once a year, this is an every 28 day reoccurrence. Women just can’t call in sick every month, expecting our workplace to excuse almost two weeks a year due to our hormonal fluctuations. On top of that, who wants to use a super valuable sick day for something a Vicodin can eradicate? Never mind that I can’t function all doped up, the American Way values productivity and presence (the fact that you show up and your face is seen at the office is valuable within itself at this crucial time of job-security).

So instead of burying myself in a mound of blankets and overeating, I (barely) buttoned up my pants and drove myself to work. Here I am sucking down a coffee, overdosing on Advil liqui-gels and staring out at the rain (which, incidentally, summarizes my mood quite appropriately). My next step? Finding appropriate period attire for the workplace. I’m thinking chic, loose, dark and comfortable.

Tonight’s the night!

Where I once thought of myself as a Samantha I’m now having seconds thoughts. Perhaps I’m more Charolette? Definitely not a Miranda. And I’m torn about Carrie. Even though she’s the star, she has way too many issues. Between men, finances, infidelity…I just don’t want those problems. I want the money, the glitz and the glam sans emotional instability.

Check this out! My Boy is blogging and I’m in love!

Check him out – We’re All Pros Already is his first blog post and what can I say? I’m so proud! Just be careful, it becomes addicting!

I’ve recently started my 30 Days of Fitness Fun and I’m on day 7 with my motivation already lagging. Each day is composed of a fun, out of the box, get me movin’ kind of exercise. It’s supposed to be fun, different and keep me motivated. I don’t think it’s working.

I started this fitness kick because I’m fed up with how my body looks. I’m 130 pounds, rounder than what I enjoy and though I’m not fat per say, my frame has taken an aesthetic hit from my extra poundage. Not to mention my sore knees, weak ankles and bad posture…these extra 10 pounds are dragging me down and I’m tired of it.

Problem is, I don’t know how to get skinny without starving myself. My anorexic mind is obsessed right now with loosing this weight. It’s all I think about. My negative self talk has hit a new high and even I can’t turn down the volume. I’m freaking out. I don’t know how to eat moderately, it’s either all or nothing. And unfortunately, I’m too used to the nothing end. Deprive, deprive and deprive some more.  How the hell do I do this in a healthy way?

The hilarious part is, I’ve done it before. I gained 15 pounds after my Mom died and lost it all, as well as kept it off, for a few years. All I can remember is that it was hard work…and mostly diet based. Sure I worked out but my weight came off with a disciplined set of rules:

1. No eating past 8pm

2. Tea (and lots of it!) to fill my stomach when I got hungry

3. One “Free Day” a week to enjoy the crappy food I love so much

4. Drinking only one night a week

5. Cardio, cardio, cardio

And no starving. Yes, I was hungry and on a healthy food regimen, but no starving. It was the first time in my entire life I didn’t resort to the old way of doing things. And it worked. So….it’s time to dig deep. I gotta WANT this. The results will appear, the weight will drop…time, patience and hard-work pay off.

JUST.KEEP.MOVING.

I’m restless.

There’s little right now that excites me. I’m not lit up. There’s nothing that drives me, whispers to my soul sweet nothings or gets my toes tingling. I’m blocked with my writing. My laughter doesn’t come as quickly. I don’t fall into giggles, feel moved by a beautiful sunset or sleep with ease. I feel heavy, weighted and sluggish.

I’ve racked my brain to figure out what I need. Vitamin B? Counseling? Positive mantra? I’m watching myself eat, frown and sleep more than ever. I’m always tired. I have no motivation. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, gets me excited. Even if I anticipate something, I know it won’t live up to my expectations and I will be disappointed. Am I…..depressed?

Depression isn’t something I am familiar with, at least not something that has ever been presented in my world view. I understand the symptoms, ever-growing speculation and ongoing research regarding its epidemic in the U.S. I have no history of depression, nor does the majority of my family. My Mother, on the other hand, was diagnosed mildly depressed for the majority of her life. But never have I thought it could affect me.

As I look at this more closely, there are a few things I need to evaluate. First, it is not a bad thing to be feeling this way. We are human and we fluctuate in emotions. Second, this will not last forever. Feeling sad or un-motivated is scary but is fleeting. Lastly, it’s not about “fixing.” It’s about being; being a committed friend, daughter, lover, student, co-worker. What I can be for others is what, in my opinion, matters.  Giving my time, love and self to others offers a sense of purpose. Purpose before Prozac.

A lot of women aren’t into porn. Psychosomatically it makes sense, we aren’t programmed the same as men. Visually we aren’t stimulated the same way. Touch, words and affection fuel our desire and typically bringing another woman into the mix DOES NOT. But recently I’ve become more interested in porn, and not so much for the positioning

Porn, it turns out, is great for the self-esteem.

Now I know, you are probably saying, “What, no way! I’m too critical-are the women hotter than me? Prettier than me? Better in bed than me? Is my boyfriend/husband/girlfriend comparing my moves? Does he/she want what that woman is doing? Cause there is no way in hell I can hold a candle to that! Is she putting her leg behind her head? She squirts?! Great, I suck in bed. I knew it!”

So what do we do? We insist that our partner not watch porn. We get upset if they do because we feel not wanted or desired. That we’ll never be good enough if he is watching other couples. That you must be lacking. I challenge you to reverse this fear-based notion and take a new stance, a more positive stance. Embrace porn.

The great thing about porn is that, as a woman, instead of feeling ashamed and embarrassed you can embrace the fact that no body is perfect, no woman more gorgeous than the next. Porn offers you the chance to look at a variety of bodies. And instead of resisting what you’re viewing, love it. Realize you are unique, your body beautiful and that men simply love and adore your nakedness. Yes, there are preferences but your partner views your body as a temple and your bed as a throne. Walk away from porn with a sense of pride, a sense of “I Am Woman, Damn I’m Hot.”

Cause guess what? You are.

This is why I want to move to Australia. Besides the accents that is…

No Carbs = No Fun!

I’ve eliminated coffee and carbs from my diet for the next three weeks. It’s bikini season time and I need some motivation. Also, I don’t think my boyfriend approves of the fact that I am on these diet pills that contain hoodia and more Green Tea extract than a cup of tea in Chinatown. It’s okay though, I don’t really care. They make me full. And hyper. How is that not a win-win??

Who knew Bill would be getting such a hot makeover???

The $100 bill went 3D today with it’s new security ribbon with a series of digits and bell images jumping to 3D life when you tilt the bill, making it far faster to check whether or not the note is real. So for all you players out there, back up, it’s only real if it’s got the ribbon!

How does your state measure up? Check it out at The Biggest Penises in the United States